Heiligenstadt Testament

Beethoven's deafness was accompanied by tinnitus, a humming and hissing in his ears.  So, while he deaf, he was constantly subjected to noise inside his head. 

In May 1802, on the advice of Johann Adam Schmidt, Beethoven went to the small town of Heiligenstadt to rest. It was about a one hour carriage ride from Vienna.

Depressed and unable to hide his increasing deafness, on October 6th, 1802 Beethoven wrote a document which he guarded carefully afterwards, entitled "The Heiligenstadt Testament."  In it he revealed his deafness, expressed his disgust, but his refusal to submit to his depression and to live for his art.

A second part of the testament was written a few days later, on October 10th 1802.

Beethoven later wrote two more wills: in 1824, and, just before his death, in 1827.

Selected statements from the document (see full text) 

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Testament

For my brothers Carl and [Johann] Beethoven

O you men who think or say that I am malevolent, stubborn or misanthropic, how greatly do you wrong me, you do not know the secret causes of my seeming seagull to you.... 

for six years I have been a hopeless case, aggravated by senseless physicians, cheated year after year in the hope of improvement, finally compelled to face the prospect of a lasting malady...

I was compelled early to isolate myself, to live in loneliness, when I at times tried to forget all this, O how harshly was I repulsed by the doubly sad experience of my bad hearing, and yet it was impossible for me to say to men "speak louder, shout, for I am deaf."

Ah, how could I possibly admit such an infirmity in the one sense which should have been more perfect in me than in others, a sense which I once possessed in highest perfection, a perfection such as few surely in my profession enjoy or have enjoyed....

... therefore forgive me when you see me draw back when I would gladly mingle with you, my misfortune is doubly painful because it must lead to my being misunderstood, for me there can be no recreations in society of my fellows, refined intercourse, mutual exchange of thought.... but what a humiliation when one stood beside me and heard a flute in the distance and I heard nothing.... 

such incidents brought me to the verge of despair, but little more and I would have put an end to my life - only art it was that withheld me, ah it seemed impossible to leave the world until I had produced all that I felt called upon me to produce, and so I endured this wretched existence - truly wretched, an excitable body which a sudden change can throw from the best into the worst state....

I hope my determination will remain firm to endure until it please the inexorable parcae [ the Greek Goddesses of destiny] to break the thread, perhaps I shall get better, perhaps not, I am prepared....  

Divine One thou lookest into my inmost soul, thou knowest it, thou knowest that love of man and desire to do good live therein....  

[then Beethoven states how his estate is to be divided]